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| Pic by marsmet473a via Flickr |
Let me give you some time to grieve.
You done yet?
Okay. All is not lost. Well, it kind of is, but here’s the
thing. And you’ll need to brace yourself because I need to let you in on a
secret. Ready?
They were never going to make your show anyway. Not because
it’s a bad idea. Or badly written. Although maybe it is a badly-written bad
idea. Or a well-written bad idea. Or a badly-written good idea. Let us just
remember hardly any pilot scripts actually get made. The BBC is sent thousands
every year. As are independent production companies. Tens of thousands of
students have graduated with BAs or MAs in screenwriting in the last few years
alone. There are a lot of scripts out there.
And most of these scripts don’t get made. It’s nothing
personal. Most of my pilot scripts haven’t been made – and most likely never
will be, even though I’m one of the luck ones with a show currently on the
telly. Paul Whitehouse probably has half a dozen scripts in his drawer or on
hard drives that he spent weeks and months over, and they aren’t going to happen
for a variety of reasons.
In short, there are lot of scripts around. Some get made.
Most do not. The reason that your script won’t get made is for a variety of
reasons, many of which are beyond your control. But here’s the main reason.
Brace yourself again. You’re not going to like it. Ready:
Your script isn’t actually that good. Again, it’s nothing
personal. It’s just that most
scripts aren’t all that good. Including my own. Especially if it’s an
unproduced first draft or pilot episode. There’s no point getting grand about
this. I’ve got Hemingway on my side who says ‘The first draft of anything is
shit.’ Hemingway wrote first drafts like the rest of us. And he thought his
were shit.
Brace Yourself One Last Time
The experience of seeing your idea done by someone else is painful,
but not uncommon. And these other people who’ve stolen a march may be better
connected and more experienced and the whole thing seems desperately unfair.
But Hemingway’s still here and he’s telling you to man up.
He might have morphed into Ron Swanson. I can’t quite tell. Either way, we all
need to realise that if we’re aspiring to have our work on national TV or
Radio, we are in with the big boys. If you have a show that you think is
perfect for BBC2 but you’re competing for budgets and airtime with Paul
Whitehouse, Armando Iannucci, Sue Perkins, Jo Brand, Mitchell and Webb and all
those people who are funny and talented. They are also well-connected – as
you’d expect given they’ve all be really funny in public for over a decade.
This can be hard to accept, not least because the BBC, the
internet and our culture in general like to give the impression that writing is
something that everyone can have a go at. How hard can it be? (Ans:
unimaginably hard) Everyone’s got a novel in them, haven’t they? (Ans: No) What
have you got to lose? (And: Hours and hours when you could be watching your
kids grow up). And yet, everyone likes the idea that they’ve got a realistic
crack at a slot on primetime television.
Victory is Possible
The fact is you do have a realistic crack at a slot
of primetime television. You just need to bang out about 6000 words on a
word-processor. The choice and order of those words takes time, passion,
experience, heart, tears, soul and pain. And that’s just for the first draft
and we already know about that. But it can be done.
As for that script you’ve already written, let’s think about
some positive ways forward.
Are your Shows really
the same?
What’s your show about – and what’s the show that’s already
on telly about? Are they really about the same thing? The setting may be superficial
in either show. Both shows are set in, say, a betting shop. But is your show
really about gambling? It’s shouldn’t be. It could be about a gambler, which is
not quite the same, but don’t let your show be about abstract nouns.
Maybe your show is about an optimist/ Or a dreamer. Or a
brother and a sister. Or a stage of life. Could the characters that embody this
meet in a universal location, like a pub? Or a flat? Does it really have to be
set where it is? It could be moveable. And moving it might be the best thing
you ever did.
Room for Two
But then again, your show might be a masterful blend of
character, situation and story, making a melange that can’t be moved or changed.
But it might feel sufficiently different from the other show so the similarity
not to be a problem. Right now, the BBC have two sitcoms set in schools (Bad Education and Big School). It also has a drama called Waterloo Road. And it’s not a problem. They appeal to different
audiences. So there may be hope.
And the BBC is not the only game in town. We currently have
more channels buying original
comedy than ever before – BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, BBC4, ITV1, ITV2, Channel 4, E4,
Sky1, Sky Atlantic, Sky Living, Dave, UK Gold and Comedy Central. That’s 14
channels. Plus Radio 4, which makes more hours of original comedy than those 14
channels combined. And Radio 2. And then there’s that internet with YouTube and
podcasting.
As a rule, if you want to be a writer, I wouldn’t get
distracted making it yourself for the internet, unless the idea really lends
itself to that medium. What you have in your is already worth something. Your
script. Remember it’s yours. Make it work for you.
Make your Script work for You
The fact is that if you send our your script to producers
and it’s any good – any good – they’ll phone you back. They’ll want to meet.
Writing sitcom is really really hard. It’s black magic and anyone who shows any
sign of being able to pull a rabbit out of a hat, dead or alive (the rabbit
that is), will attract some interest. And so:
Don’t think of your script as a show that never happened,
but a sample that shows what you can. Send it out and you might get invited to
write on shows that are already on TV. Or types of TV or media that you hadn’t
considered writing for that your end up enjoying and your get paid. Or it leads
to constructive meetings where make fruitful relationships and learn key bits
of information so you know what project to write next and that this is untapped
area that might appeal to a particular rising star that this producer has
access to.
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So, someone else is making your show. It’s a bummer. But it happens.
It could be worse. You could have been cursed to do work that takes place
exclusively outdoors. Or been forced to fight in the Spanish Civil War.
Speaking of which, Hemingway’s back and he’s got one last thing to say. “You
know what makes a good loser? Practice.” I don’t know what he means by that,
but it sounds deep. And I’m sure as hell not going to argue with him.
